On the other side of surgery...

Since Justin Bieber is all over the internet and he happens to be my favorite artist, "Cooper's clear, Hallelujah!!!" If you are singing that in your head now, well you're welcome and you are my people. Ha!

Hallelujah, meaning "Glory to God!"

It's easy to sing or shout Hallelujah when things happen as we've been praying for them. And absolutely 100% glory to God that Cooper is still showing no signs of cancer cells in his tests (I'm not sure you can fully hear my extreme exhale all the way from my toes)!!

What I love about this song is how he bridges all moments together worthy of praising God. Moments as simple as "taking a walk" or noticing that the "sun is out". And at the end over and over he sings, "everything Hallelujah".

This very thing has gotten me through so many days. Pausing and thanking God for the simple things. Slowing down enough to see the many things we still have that I am SO grateful for even when life feels extremely unfair.

Cooper has taught me a lot about this too. At one point he said, "Mom, I feel both lucky and unlucky to have cancer". I think we can all understand the "unlucky" side of it but why would a 10 year old boy say he was "lucky" to have cancer? Seems upside down, backwards and wrong.

Almost goes hand in hand with singing "everything Hallelujah". Of course praise be to God that we got a "all clear" test result but it seems backwards and upside down, even wrong to praise God through the "your child has cancer" call.

What I've learned is God's character and WHO He is doesn't change with the circumstances we are going through. He is the same God during the storms we face and in the high points of our lives when it feels like everything is just right!

So yes, I choose "everything, Hallelujah" because God is the same through it all.

I had a lot of fears leading up to this surgery, like A LOT. My prayer time wasn't "typical", it actually was mostly just filled with tears, telling Jesus how I felt and begging him to cover my boy in His protection and healing. Thank you for showing up and standing in the gap praying for our boy!

This was a tough one.

Maybe it's the fact that we are getting close to the end of Coop's treatment that it feels like hope should be there yet we are still holding our breath waiting for each test result that makes it so heavy. Maybe we are just tired and weary. Maybe it's because life feels so out of control and uncertain in so many different areas that we are just praying for relief anywhere and everywhere. Maybe it's because this isn't the life I envisioned or anticipated. It's probably a combination of all the above.

The week leading up to surgery and specifically the night before are the hardest. Cooper just impresses me time and time again. How he absorbs the information and knows his treatments almost better than we do, it catches me off guard. He's a 10 year old boy for goodness sake! It just shows how much he is paying attention.

Cooper is not a boy of many words (usually) and this treatment day he was in his own little world even more than normal. What does that look like? Well, people will ask him questions and even getting a nod out of him feels quite difficult. Part of me wants to jump in and "make" him speak up and then I think about what he is dealing with and know this is how he's getting through it, so it's okay buddy.

This was him leaving the hospital. Another way he just tries to "disappear" while he is there. He was asking for my phone 😂

So I think it's safe to say, we were ALL feeling it this time. Surgery went great though and they got the spinal tap done with one poke instead of 3 this time! We get to walk Cooper into the surgery room and hold his hand and give him kisses while they put him to sleep. Once he was asleep and we were leaving the room I said, "please take good care of our boy!" and the anesthesiologist said "just like he was my own" 🥹

We are taking it easy and laying low this week while he recovers and gets through his steroids. He has the best sisters. Bria created a "spa" day and Coop got pampered! Oh to have 3 older sisters 🥰

Cooper, one day when you are reading this I hope you can see just how incredibly LOVED you are! By your family, by your friends and by everyone who knows you. Your story matters buddy and I am so dang grateful I get to be your mommy.

Tonight, I release the breath I've been holding with a grateful heart.

Much Love, Cooper's Mama 🧡