The scare and the good bye

Along this journey there are certain words that I try really hard not to speak out loud even though they torment my brain. Part of me thinks that if I use them I might jinx the whole situation and then be the reason it comes true. As I type that out I realize just how ridiculous that sounds, as if I have that power. But, it's true.

Relapse is one of them. I especially don't ever talk about that around Cooper. I don't want his little spirit to stress anymore than it already does. Death is another one of them. Again, I "think" that if I don't use that word then it's not something Cooper will worry about or think about.

Silly me.

Within this past week, we've had face both of those head on.

Friday was his surgery. These are always the big ones that test his spinal fluid to make sure he is still clear from any cancer cells. This is the one that robs us of sleep and smashes our chest where we feel like we can't breathe until we get the results.

Surgery went well, so I thought. I always ask, "how many pokes in his back did it take?". The nurse thought only one as they didn't tell her anything different.

I get the test results on my app the moment that the hospital gets them. The "big" test result always comes through right away saying that it's been received but the "final" results usually don't come until the following business day. In this case, we would be waiting until Monday.

I obsessively analyze each result as they come through, tracking all the previous results and seeing if there is anything out of the ordinary I need to ask about. The "big" test result pops up and says "Abnormal Final Result".

I immediately scroll through every other result we got and every single one says, "Final Result".... No "abnormal" anywhere to be seen.

I reach out to our doctors in every way that I can right away. I need to know what that means and more explanation. My chest tightens, my breathing gets shallow. Hold it together Brittany, you don't know anything for sure yet, Cooper is right there, don't freak out. That's what I kept telling myself.

We get home, I get Coop settled in his bed to rest. I come down the stairs to TWO missed calls from Children's and a message from my nurse saying that the doctor was going to call me.

They don't call for GOOD news.

They only have ever called me for BAD news.

I call back right away and they get me over to our doc. She starts out by saying, "I'm really sorry." No, no no no no no no!!! "I'm really sorry I missed you, I didn't want you waiting until Monday. Maybe I should start by saying Cooper is okay!"

Good. Freaking. Grief!!!!

YES!! Please start with that!!

Long story short. They ended up having to poke him three times to get the spinal tap in and so there was some blood in the sample and that's what was "abnormal". NO CANCER CELLS!!!!

Thank you JESUS!!!

We hung up and I completely lost it. David and Bria witnessed my break down. Through my stuttered crying voice I told them Cooper is okay. Cooper is okay. Cooper is okay!!!

I'm terrified. Please Jesus, don't ever let there be another cancer cell in my baby boy's body!! That release showed me just how much stress my body was holding.

We can take a deep breath for 3 more months!

At the same time, we've been navigating saying our final good bye to our grandpa "Punky". Cooper's great-grandpa on David's side. The head Rusaw of the Rusaw men. They moved out here when Cooper was born and have been very involved in his life. Punky and Cooper have always had such a sweet bond! We've had to talk about death more than I've "wanted" to, yet I can also see a curiosity in Cooper. We don't ever talk about his cancer killing him but he's quite aware of any story that has to do with cancer now and has seen many people who have died from it.

He wants to be there when his Punky goes to heaven. We've been to the hospital several times this week, which has been so sad and such a blessing to have that time with him. Not everyone gets time with their loved ones before they pass. He's impacted so many people around him and the love for his family is fierce. Sitting in the hospital bed he had all of his great-grandkids piled on the couch and said, "I want to live... for them."

We know he's going to see Jesus soon. He's such a strong man. Thinking and dreaming about heaven doesn't take the sadness away of the earth side good bye but it sure brings a joy and a peace that this is not the end. We have hope that no matter what happens here on Earth, we will all be together one day in the place where God will wipe every tear from our face. Where we literally get to look at Jesus' face.

Cancer doesn't exist there.

Death doesn't exist there.

Financial stress doesn't exist there.

Strain in relationships don't exist there.

Disappointment doesn't exist there.

Physical pain doesn't exist there.

Depression doesn't exist there.

The burden's we carry on our shoulders don't exist there.

The only thing from this world I get to take to heaven with me are those around me and my deepest prayer is that every one of them knows Jesus in such a special and real, loving, kind way. And how cool to know Punky will be there waiting for us when it's our turn to run into Jesus' arms!

In the car Cooper tells me out of no where, "Mom, I can't ever imagine not knowing Jesus."

Has it been a hard week? Yes.

Has it been super emotionally draining? Absolutely.

The conversations have been absolute gold though.

It seems like I'm always asking for prayers but I will forever take as many as people are willing! If you can lift up our whole family a little extra this week, our hearts are quite tender as we say good-bye to such an incredible man that we love so much!

And as of today, Cooper has finished his steroids for another 3 months! 🙌

3 more surgeries to go! 🎗️

Freakin cancer.

Much Love,

Cooper's Mama