Tis the season...

Since getting Bruno out Cooper has been one happy boy! Now that he's been cleared from his incision I can just see a freedom in his spirit. A good friend encouraged him, "Your only job now is to be a kid". When she told him that, I could feel my chest release and exhale... yes buddy, just be a kid!

Any transition period feels hard. Even when things are seeming to get "easier" it still throws me off and I feel like I'm on uneven ground until I get my new routine, my new rhythm. I am not sure how to navigate not being on high alert every minute and managing SO much with Cooper's care. Why does this relief feel so hard?

I find myself just staring at him and smiling, so grateful. I love that he is getting his confidence back and that he is able to participate fully in school and he just started his first sport back up since his diagnosis (basketball!). We are all very competitive in this house but knowing what he's been through and watching him put himself out there.... goodness, I am so dang proud of him! It was actually just a couple weeks into basketball season last year when we found out he had cancer.

Cooper is now 2 months into "maintenance". Taking chemo daily at home. He had his monthly appointment on Friday and his ANC (the thing in your blood that fights infections) was SUPER low. Low enough they are having us take him off of his chemo for a week to let his counts recover. He will get another blood draw next Friday to see if they are high enough for him to start back up on his chemo.

This is his first delay in maintenance :(

I was bummed. Cooper was thrilled! He doesn't have to take pills for a week. I'm grateful we have a 4 day weekend where we can just spend more time at home and let his body recover. The fears and uncertainty still follow me closer than I want them to be.

Cooper is a big thinker. He will randomly just say something to me and I can tell he's been processing or thinking about it for a while. He told me, "Mom, did you know a very special day is coming up?"

I was thinking well yeah! Your 10th birthday is right around the corner!! Nope.

He said, "The 1 year anniversary of me having cancer."

I asked him if he thought it was a good anniversary, a hard anniversary etc. but he just matter of factly stated, it's just a special date.

Since that initial question, I also found him in his room looking at his calendar to see what day his "one year anniversary of having cancer" would fall on. He told me if it was on a school day that he wanted to miss school and spend the day with our family. Thank God the 13th is not on a Friday again, it's on a Saturday this year! I might be a little superstitious about Friday the 13th now.

Honestly, I think our entire family is bracing a little bit for the season we are stepping into. The holidays are typically such a joyful, wonderful time. Last year all of us felt like Christmas was stolen from us. Not because we were lacking in anything (all of our people loved on us so big and well!) but because when your son/brother is in the hospital for a recent cancer diagnosis, everything else just felt muted.

I have always been one who wants to be home for Christmas, have the magic of waking up on Christmas morning with my family. This year, I told David, I just kinda want to do something drastically different. Let's go to a beach somewhere and just get away! I asked all of my kids individually and unanimously they said they wanted to be home for Christmas. I was a little bummed they didn't like my crazy spontaneous idea and at the same time realized how much they are craving and looking forward to a "normal" Christmas.

My mind has been been in planner mode. How do I make Cooper's 10th birthday, 1 year of having cancer and Christmas special? How do I make it memorable?

Talking to one of my girls she said, "Mom, what makes the season special is being intentional about being together as a family."

That grounded me a bit to know, this season is going to be more emotionally tender for all of us and I think the best present I can give my kids is to be emotionally present. Not frantic. Not rushed. Not stressed. Not distracted. Just WITH them. So now I just feel like I have to have it all planned out NOW so I can relax, lol. Not the point but can my planners relate? Ha!

Also, trying to remind myself that I can't "control" the outcome of this holiday season, no matter how much I plan. We've all experienced the damage of cancer. There will be different moments, different memories, different memorial dates that trigger us. I think as much as I WANT this Christmas to rewrite last Christmas I think it's okay if we are still mourning it. It will always been tender.

Prayer Requests for my freaking amazing prayer warriors! 🧡

-That Cooper's ANC would bounce back quickly and he can get to a safe number

-I've had several personal prayer requests I've been wresting with God about that just haven't resolved yet, so prayers around me trusting HIS timing, that he is working and peace in the waiting (have I told you I'm not a patient person?)

-For Cooper to keep talking and feeling safe to open up about how he is feeling

-That this upcoming holiday season can be a gift and blessing

-Cooper's been dealing with a lot of pain in his feet. Prayers that we can figure out the root cause and help support him so he can walk and run a little easier

-I found a integrative doctor I feel pretty confident in that is local. He's booked out for a year though so prayers there's a way I can get Cooper in sooner or find someone else to move forward with.

-Protection for his sweet body from seasonal sickness' and virus'

-And as always, that Cooper's cancer is gone FOREVER and will never return!

I wish I could hug each and everyone of you and let you know how much you mean to me. I know this is heavy and none of you have to keep showing up and sharing this burden with us but you still do and that means more than you will ever know. Thank you!

Much Love,

Cooper's Mama 🧡